I ended up not being able to see her today. Partly because she was going to be transported off property for a test and having a nasal tube inserted at the hospital. She has developed a possible bowel blockage and "something" in her stomach and an allergic reaction to "something" causing blistering on her body. The other part was because it was too cold for me to go out, in the power chair, and we had a chance of rain. I can't ride around in the power chair in the cold and rain. I did have to go out to the drugstore for my monthly meds ... I have to take a shopping bag, because there is so much. I nearly froze to death!!!!!

When poor Sunny called me and told me today's news, I instantly got that "here we go again" feeling. On top of all the rest, why did she have to have this? Actually, I kind of suspected we wouldn;t get off the hook so easy. Given what I have witnessed with friends and read in various ways, I was already bracing myself forn these kinds of things.

Alot of "stupid" stuff happened to her in regard to her health. SHe had an 18 point fixator on her leg and foot, due to the foot being worked on, and it was really awful. Some docs call it a restrictor. If you have never seen one, go look it up ... I'll wait while you go ngchange you diaper, after you do  ....... This is an evil torture device! Her foot healed, ultimately, but it was horrible and painful. The stupid things that happened, were because in her presurgury work up, no cancer or other stuff was found. She saw a nurse EVERY DAY for 6 weeks. At that time she was haqving some breathing issues, but they were never addressed.  After her illness in Oct. , she had sin=me of the same nurses ... None of them thiought the breathing issues were anything, but her primary doc, who was fairly new to her, was concerned. He was monitoring her, and is not at fault. But everyone else who "blew off" the problem did her a disservice, because they all missed the bigger problem. This is bad because a number of people were involved. Too many for all of them to have been like tyhis. Only one girl, even questioned the breathing problem.

Once she was in the hospital in Oct. this breathing problem was not exactly addressed till her primary doc and her hospital doctor had an argument. It was only beginning to be investigated, when she was so ill, so the primary doc is not at fault. But every doc after that who toud=ched her is. Nobody caught this. They ball ignored the bowel problems and nausea. The primary doce was fairly new to her, befire her hospitalization in Oct. I don't place the blame on him. We could hVE BEEN SAVED ALL THIS AGGRAVATION HAD SOMEONE PAUD ATTENTION.

All the things I've read about other people's cancer have led me to believe that 6 months may not be whatb she has. I am truly afraid it could be less. When she was ill in Oct., the doctors all told her that she was the sickest patient they'd ever seen for a while. Me, too. I had no faith in her ability to thrive.She was in a coma for 20 days that was induced , so she could heal. EVERY TIME MY PHONE RANG, i WAS EXPECTING IT TO BE THE NURSE CALLING ME TO TELL ME SHE EXPIRED. tHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE SNAPPED BACK. I wasw overjoyed. She'd fooled us all, and made it ... this time, though, I am not as hopeful. If she survives this,I whave to wonder in what shape she will be, It doeswn;t look good at all. And I feel like she'll be in and out of the hospital and never really well.

I am really disappointed tonight. WE keep yo=yo=ing from good day to bad day, and over the last three,she has become teary-eyed and frustrated. She is upset,and I cannot blame her. She is scared and crying alot. Mostly the crying is when the nurses are insensitive to her, like not helping her get cleaned up after being sick, or incontinent. In my opinion she is deteriorating from despair, more than the cancer. Nobody seems to want to acknowlledge she can;t see or hear well, and is in pain. Some of the nurses act as though she's faking. On top of everything else, she is trying to stay lucid enough to think and be aware enough, also, to still make some decisions.The suggestion that they put her on anti-anxiety drugs made me angry. Why? Because it seeemed more like it was so she could tolerate the nurses, than for her own good, so that she could tolerate a dirty diaper for an hour before someone changed it.

I am, as you may be able to tell, very frustrated.

Rainbow