Forgive me if this rude, but I just have to say this. Sunny is in a holding pattern. The uncertaintity of it all  is getting to me. I know people are trying to be positive, but I have a different take on it all. I, personaqlly am preparing for the worst. In every way I can think of, financially, socially, spiritually, legally,  etc.Is it so wrong to ask this of people around me? Let me explain ... Sunny is deathly ill. There is no doubt aqbout thyat. I( am still saying and berlieving she could make it, but what if she doesn;t? what if, despite all the best effortrs, medicine, prayer and miracles, she doesn;t ... Whay am I going to wait till the last minute to tie up loose endsa?

Yes, w all love her and wish her well, but the unknown factors, of medical treatment and miracles, don;t have my head situated in reality. I'm so sorry, but reality is where i live , not in blind, Pollyanna-like hopefulness. On the other hand, I am prepared to believe she'll win, if it happens.

When she was sick in Oct. and had the full cardiac arrest and was in a coma, I talked toi her at her bedside and kept up appeara nces. Mostly for the nurses, who were very spiritual ... It looked so grim, my Mom and I waited daily for her to expire. She fooled us all, including the doics, who were not expecting her to vmake it at all.  I actually began to pack up our apt. because without her income, I would need to find a cheaper place. It gave me something to do while I waited. And yes, I was properly grateful she lived ... but it was sort of anticlmatic ... we even laffed about me moving ....

Her and I are VERY realistic. It is not hard for us to talk about her expiring, even less now, because she sort of had a dress rehearsal. LOL! She isn;t scared at all due to that ...

WhaT i WORRY ABOUT IS WASTED TIME. I want to plow thru all thge stuff I have to in the event she does die. I need to secure alot of stuff, and even she just said her weekly shopping trip  to our favorite discount clothhing shop is off ... she actually said she didn't want to spend money for stuff she might never need. I totally get thet. INstead of constructiverly helping me, some of our friends and family are  way to focused on bring down a miracle to save her, and they don;t seem to accept that Sunny might be history.

Okay, call me blunt and unfeeling and nasty if you want ... I don;t care. I also hate Sunny having to put on her "game face" and be funny and charming, and putting up a strong front for all the hospital workers. Given how they treat me ... pitying looks, when they find out I am Sunny's sister ... She has already accepted she might lose the fight ... I hate the game playing and fake socializing, and the false coddling of everyone who treat her like the little engine that could, when she is just their client. They will be stripping the bed 20 mins. afdter she's gone and go threu all these motions again, I just know it.

She is pretty drugged the last couple of days. THe "old Sunny" is barely there. An exp[erience has just got to change you. Who will sahe be when this is over? How do the medical pros and staff not be changed by dealing with this.

I am trying to not let it all penetrate all the way to my bones. I amtrying to remain who I am, for me and for her. To do all the things I would normally do and nothing based on paniic, fear and this experience. It is actually easier than I thought. I do many things that I have always done and keep pushing thru by keeping my daily schedule, and apart from settling all the end details, life is rolling along.

You know who I hate? All gthe fakers who were only acquaintances, barely knew us or cared about us, who seem so "interested" now. Some of them feel like sharks circling me to get what she leaves behind! She's had a couple of nurses worying her to teach them some of the skills she has in life ... SHE IS SICK! But they couldn't help themselves, lest she die and not teach thewm!!!?? There were 2 in particular that were really annoying. Everyone get a chunk of Sunny before she expires!!!!!

So these are things I am working on today /// go ahead and think I am a witch if you want. I am really not ... I actually don;t want people to be hurt when it doesn;t work out and she dies. How awful to delude yourself for monyhs and it happens anywaqy and was going to happen aqnyway, no matter how hard the docs worked or people prayed, or magicians waved their wands ... would time have been better spent thinking up ksome project to help my family, or do sopmething constructive, for anyone else's family with a dying member? Plan a hell of a party, for her memorial, figure out what she wants and do it. And don;t ask me what I am going to do with her stuff ...like you want to apply to me to own it when she'sgone, for gOD'S SAKE ... YES THAT HAPPENED!

I also am a little fed up with peopleassuming I am thinking like them. They all assume I LIVE BY THE SAME SOCIAL RULES, MORAL CODE, AND OPINIONS AS THEM. .i DON';T. They think in cliches .... and allassume I WANT TO DO TRADITIONAL STUFF FOR HER END ... I don't.

We have a private joke, her and I  ... we both haqte those tattoos people get for a dead loved one. So called memorial tattoos. While she was in the coma, in an attempt to arouse her, I threatened her in a menacing voice, to go get one ... and show it off to the world ... we laugh at this now, because as much as nwe hate them we threatened to go together, and get one now. LOL! ROTFLMAO! We threatened each other with a full sleeve tattoo! Too bad she never heard me while she was "out". I told her about it later and she laughed at me! No memory of it while ashe was in the coma! She also has a "thing" about the song You Are My Sunshine. SHe positively hates it. LOATHES it! It makes her scream. I sang it at her bedside daily while she was in the coma. Never heard me. NOt conscious of it at all! LOL!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Okay everyone up here, throw your rotting fruit and insults and anger now ...........

Rainbow (who is ducking in anticipation of spoiled tomatoes coming her way)