miley's Blog

Not sure whats to come

Yes I'm still sitting here waiting on some kind of an answer for treatment. I'm still seeing my nutrionist, therapist & my doc. I was just at my doctor today actually. She of course had to tell me AGAIN what it is I'm doing to my body. Jeez!! give me a break. NOBODY wants this to be gone more than me let me tell ya. I wish it were that simple. This is NOT a choice for me, I CAN'T just "GET OVER" it either. This is according to my therpaist a disease. An eating disorder according to my therapsit is a mental illness that is the number one killer amoungst ALL mental illnesses. So why not help someone when they are asking? beats me. I don't get it either. I ask for help. My team and I have been through hundreds and hundreds of referrals and references with ALL the same answer SORRY CAN'T HELP YOU. Yet everyone is sitting back woundering why I don't ask for help and wondering why I'm getting worse? Really? Ummm I'm getting worse because rejection doesn't sit well with a person with an eating disorder. Duh! Yes I'm getting angry and bitter now. At the same time I just want to throw in the towel and give up. Because the reality is, there is NO ONE that will help me. My team already has said I need inpatient treatment in order to get better. I have these same tapes playing in my head over and over. I don't sleep except maybe 2 hours a nite. If I'm lucky, I purge approx 2 to 3 times a day, I'm taking approx 20 to 30 laxative pills a day, water pills daily, diet pills daily, magniesium citrate liquid approx 3 days a week. I restrict my calorie intake to no more than 900 calories a day or less. I walk now 4 to 6 miles a day. I weigh myself at least 20 times a day. This is ALL I think about all the time. Yet why is this sooo hard to get the help I need? Yes I have my team, yes I'm trying to do what they tell me. Which is not easy I'll tell ya. But I only see them once a week. The rest of the week I'm on my own. Thats why coming here is so crucial for me right now. This is where I need to be to vent, if nothing else. No one has any clue what I'm going through unless you've been through it yourself. Like I said I was at my doctor today and I have been offically not only diagnosed with bulimia but now she says I have anorexia behaviors now to. What???  She is worried about kidney failure. I had a complete blood work done again which I'll know those results on wednesday. She checked everything this time. Kidney function, liver function, diabetes check, electrolites, thyroid, anmemia etc.. Plus I've lost even more weight which she was not thrilled about I'll tell ya. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. It's not like I'm just sitting here doing nothing i am trying. It's not like I have someone on a white horse who can save me. Being told sorry can't help thou is getting old...

                                                  miley

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lucylamb27

Miley- I don't want to appear insensitive, and the following is just my opinion, but you claim that you are trying to do what your doctors tell you to do, yet you detail all of the "bad" behaviors (the things that you should NOT do: laxatives, purging, etc.) of your daily routine in your blog.  So, are you REALLY trying, or not?  If so, it doesn't appear that you are trying hard enough, and you seem to be stuck in "pity poor me"; I think that is why you write on this site. 

If you were truly invested in your own recovery, I would think that you would get MAD enough to want it; IMO, you just don't sound MAD enough yet!  If nothing else, all of those dire possibilities that your doctor discussed (kidney failure,etc.) should SCARE you into wanting to be well!  Do it for yourself first, of course, but also for the sake of your family and friends, too.  I am sure that you have many people who love and care for you, and want you to be healthy in order to continue to share your life with them.  So don't lose sight of the "big picture"; think outside of the "it's all about you" box, and think about how your behavior affects others.  It's time to be selfless, not selfish!            

GreenFish

Don't give up!!!  Why won't they give you inpatient treatment?  Can you afford it? 

I went through a "phase" in my early 30s...I was always 105lbs in my 20s, then suddenly in my 30s I started gaining weight like crazy (they say that's when the metabolism slows down...well IT DID).  I found myself throwing up to get rid of excess calories that I consumed.  This was totally unlike me, I'm all about health and longevity!  But I did it anyway, for about 3 months.  Then I snapped out of it before it became a full blown mental illness.  It was early enough for me to still use my "rational" brain...if I kept going, I would be in your shoes, where my "irrational" side WINS over the rational side.  Your rational side knows it's wrong, but your irrational side keeps you in the disease! (I learned all I need to know by watching Dr.Phil and Dr. Oz, and that's what they say).

If you can make yourself do it, please follow the only advice I know how to give: Drink coconut water!  It is the best!  It gives the most amount of electrolytes for the least amount of calories!  I drink it along with other foods high in potassium and magnesium.  I don't know what other advice to give, being that I'm not a professional!  Hang in there.

lucylamb27

However, GreenFish, if this truly is a mental illness, then professional help is what Miley should seek.  If she is being honest with the details in her blog, and also being just as honest with her doctors about her behavior, then it would seem to me that the doctors would be obliged to admit her to an inpatient program.

It is my understanding that if someone is in danger of hurting either themselves and/or others, that person would qualify for an inpatient program at an approved facility equipped to provide treatment for their specific problem(s). IMO, the daily intake of a large quantity of laxative pills, the amount of purging performed, and all of the other negative behaviors that are a part of her daily routine, should send up a "red flag" to her health care providers; if not, perhaps she should seek a new set of doctors?

miley

Lucylamb27- First of all u should not speak about something u have obviously NO CLUE about.ED's yes are a mental illsness, that just so happens to be the number one killer. It's NOT our fault, NOT our choice & certainly NOT something someone can just "get over". It takes years of going through it to recover from. Your obviously NOT  a proffesional yourself. This "poor me" crap your claiming I " so called" have is called depression from the ED. Also ED's ARE NOT considered as life threating to hospitals unless your sucidal. Which I'm NOT. Hospitals WILL NOT admit u just for an ED.  No doctor is obligated to do so either. I suggest u do your homework before u explode on someone without knowing your facts. You also obvioulsy have NOT read ALL of my blogs. Which I've been doing here since this show first aired. Otherwise you would of known more aout me in general. If u don't like what your hearing right now then DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Your the reason people w/ ED's stay in there ED's. Your totally ignorant to this subject.   miley 

lucylamb27

Miley- Apparently you do not permit others to have their own opinions?  I was merely expressing mine, plus speculating on other points!  It is my opinion that, from what you have written here, it sounds as if ALL concerned are not properly addressing your situation; I am quite certain that others reading your post- whether professionals or not- would agree.  (Please note, I never stated that I am a professional in any of my previous posts!) 

IMO, you also sound as if you are somewhat young and uneducated yourself, judging from the tone of your post, but please do not direct your anger at me- or anyone else; others are NOT to blame for your condition, since it apparently develops from within. 

And, you are the one who has chosen to blog within a public forum, so you should then be prepared for a vast array of responses; some that you might not like or want to see, but ALL are entitled to their opinions, comments, and suggestions! 

I wish you well on your journey, and I would encourage you to continue to seek help from any and all resources available, until you find some relief from your condition.  Best of luck!     

GreenFish

I can see both of your point of views...it is a mental illness...but Miley, are you being 100% honest with yourself and your health professionals? 

Not only have I seen Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz episodes about eating disorders, but I've seen Starving Secrets on Lifetime with Tracey Gold and a couple Interventions on A&E dealing with EDs.  People with eating disorders can be deceptive at times, lying to themselves and others--that's part of the irrational brain taking over, keeping them sick.  I get frustrated when I watch these shows, yelling at the TV screen, but then on the other hand, I know that it is beyond their control, mentally.  That is why it is imperative to follow ALL of the advice of professionals, because THEY are thinking with their rational minds and know a thing or two about this.  So, Miley, take advantage of the care you have NOW, make the best of whoever you have on your team NOW.  Do everything they say, no matter how hard.  As Dr. Phil would say, you have to give up control...and just trust the professionals.  You have to get in the mindset that you can do it with the resources you have now. 

 

GreenFish

lucylamb, we were writing at the same time :)

lucylamb27

GreenFish- And, doesn't it go to show that others DO care, even about people they do not know personally?  Otherwise, we wouldn't bother to spend the time writing to a complete stranger! 

So Miley, don't fight us; fight the medical "system", and fight for yourself and your right to be well! 

GreenFish

I agree, you had the "tough love" approach, which I can hear (or read!), being that I'm not "down the rabbit hole" in this disease.  I could have been, but it was early enough for me to just STOP. 

I was depressed about my weight gain, feeling ugly...but my husband heard me in the bathroom a couple times and lovingly said for me to stop, that I was ruining my throat, it wasn't good for my health, and that he wanted to grow old with me.  The rational side won...these are the things I thought about: I want to live, live a long life, I love my husband, deep down somewhere inside I love myself too, I love food, the way it tastes and I HATE the taste after throwing up!  Plus, I wasn't clinically depressed and I'm not a perfectionist or control freak, which are some of the traits of people with EDs. 

lucylamb27

GreenFish-  You are correct; I do approach issues in a very matter-of-fact (tough love) way!  If phone calls need to be made, or letters need to be written, in order to obtain the results that I desire in any given situation, then I "grab the bull by the horns" and do whatever is necessary!  So, that is why I suggest to others that they do not just "sit on the sidelines" of their lives, because the things that they need are not going to merely walk up to their front door and be there waiting for them on the doormat!  

Therefore, when someone realizes that they have a problem, and their current approach to treatment is not working, then I urge them to take charge, step up to the plate, and set the wheels in motion (remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease)!  Make phone calls, write letters, contact groups and/or agencies; just be "in their faces", until people start responding to the request for assistance!   

It is wonderful that it sounds as if you also had a tremendous amount of support from your spouse in your situation; I only hope that all others suffering from the same illness have support and encouragement from family and friends, as well as physicians (which should include mental health care providers as well).             

GreenFish

I agree with you lucylamb27:  Everyone should be PROACTIVE when it comes to their health.  I've learned the hard way by being pushed around by doctors in the past, who were not very sensitive to my issues. 

Miley, haven't forgotten about you, keep fighting, don't give up, motivate yourself to keep up with the hard work (which I KNOW it is!) by thinking about those you love...please don't become a statistic!!!

miley

lucylamb27 & GreenFish- I think the both of you are missing the whole point an eating disorder is a DISEASE!  Would you tell someone w/ cancer they were selfish? no I don't think so. Second. I don't lie. I'm a christian woman and don't beleive in lying. Besides how would that seriously help me if I did? I'm not perfect, even knowing I do try and be. Yes I am a controlling person. Also it is possible that some people need help being saved. Just like w/ any other disease. I have a 30 year old eating disorder that until recently has gone untreated. This WILL NOT change over nite, I WILL have set backs and yes even a part of me wants to stay in my ED. A part of me wants my control. Even knowing the lodgical side of me knows that is what is not good for me. However I'm so far in deep with this ED that I'm very confused right now as well. It's always been all or nothing with me. I was a bulimic as a teenager, obese person from the time I was 20 until 2 years ago. Now i'm bulimic and now I've been diagnosed as anorexic as well. My senoir pastor as well as EVERYONE in my church has seen me go from that over 400 pound person to the person I am right now. Yes I've lost 200 lbs and still losing weight. I TRULY have NO CLUE how to change. Evening knowing to all of you the answer is right there probably staring you in the face. Buts it's not to me. ED's are very complicated and EVERYONE's ED's are different. Because we are all different. I'm struggling yes, but I'm also doing the best I know I can do. However to you I may not be. which is where the frustration comes in and this is where and why i need help. You 2 have no clue how hard this is for me. The "tough love" thing does NOT work for me. That only wants me to just give up. Like I said I'm doing the best i can.   miley

GreenFish

miley, you are RIGHT, I have no clue what you've been through.  I've had other difficulties in my life, a bad childhood, an abusive mother, low self esteem, but NOT your situation in the least.  That is why the best thing for you is a support group where you can share your story and commiserate with others with your same issues.

BUT you are WRONG when you accuse me of not understanding that this is a disease...RE-READ my posts and you will see that I've said from the BEGINNING that you have a mental illness, which is a DISEASE!  I said that it is very HARD for you because mentally you WANT to change, but the illness is preventing you from getting better.  I've been doing nothing but trying to give you acknowledgement (which we all need as humans), I've given you advice (non-professional, but still caring advice), and I'm trying to give you the motivation to keep going!  How many times did I say for you to not give up and to hang in there?

I hear you, that you don't know how to change, you're so far deep into this, it's been a life-long "habit"...all I can say is to keep seeking helpWhen you keep seeking help and keep trying to change, you're not being selfish.  It's those who know it's wrong and know they are hurting others and choose not to do anything and keep killing themselves regardless of anyone's feelings. 

GreenFish

I do want to say that you didn't mention anything about my story, how I can relate in the way that I've purged before at one point in my life.  This tells me that you are very much into YOURSELF, which is part of the DISEASE!  It would help if you immerse yourself in group therapy and hear others' stories and get "out of your head."  Maybe try volunteering in a cause that you care about would help...I don't think it could hurt :)

Just a thought...have you tried getting on the Dr Phil show or Starving Secrets with Tracey Gold (If that gets picked up for another season...)?

miley

Greenfish- Just so you know I do, do alot of volunteering through my church. I do STEP OUT OF MYSELF all the time. I'm an awana leader for 3,4 & 5 year olds that I do 9 months out of the year. which I've been doing for 4 years now. Plus other things i do as well. So no you really don't know me. I've hidden my ED so well. I can make myself look so good it's not even funny. I can make it "LOOK" like I have no problems what so ever. As far as someone like Dr.Phil or Tracy gold. Are you serious? That would be nice for someone to help me, but unfortunitly I live in reality and theres going to be NO ONE to help me. I've written in to those shows sooooo many times including the doctors it's sicking. Knowing my luck I don't look pretty enough to be on those shows anyway. If you've noticed they sure as heck don't have ugly people on there. They always ask for pictures of yourself. Seriously? If you truly wanted to help someone does it really matter what you look like? Like I said I'm doing the best I can. I have a team of 3 I'm working with. Realisticly the only 2 people in this world that would care if I died anyway are my 2 kids. Which are the ONLY 2 reasons why I get up everyday and try to fight this stupid ED. Some how, some way I will get through this and I will be just fine.            miley

GreenFish

I've been away from my computer for a while, so that's why I'm replying so late.  I DO agree with you that the Doctor's show has beautiful people, I've seen perky, kinda ditzy blondes helping out Dr. Travis with segments where I've just shook my head...my God where do they get these people?  So perfect looking.  But I've seen average looking people too!  And you're not ugly!  They could give you a fresh haircut and nice makeup and you would look great.  But there is a one in a million chance they'd pick you, I'm sure they go through thousands of pictures and they DO tend to pick pretty/ good-looking WHITE people!  I'm glad that the last few sentences in your last post are POSITIVE.  Take care!!!

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