I'm 47 years old and have had Multiple Sclerosis for 11 years now.  My mother passed away 3 1/2 years ago from inoperable lung cancer - she was my best friend and it has been a difficult path.  Also my oldest son, graduated HS this past June and plays golf at college now (it was never mentioned in my "mom" manual how to deal with letting go, when your child leaves the nest.  This has been quite difficult, but staying busy helps.  My husband is in the National Guard and was gone for schooling most of this past summer and will be deploying in July for Afghanistan.  My daughter suffers from Tourette's Syndrome and is devastated that if her father does in fact deploy, he will miss her graduation.  We just take one day at a time and try to always stay strong and busy. 

I was employed for 13 years with our school system and worked with visually impaired and Autistic Students. I decided that I no longer wished to work in the office, so I was assigned to work one-on-one with a visually impaired student.  After 3 years, she decided to go to our tech school where she would study Early Childhood Education.  After the first nine weeks, she wanted to be on her own and she deserved it.  I kept encouraging her and reminding her that she could do anything she puts her mind to and she did - she was able to be completely independent by the end of those 9 weeks - It was quite bittersweet - It made me realize that I accomplished my job and goals by getting her to be an independent young lady in society and to make it on her own.  As of today, she graduated HS, works, and has a family. 

Due to my MS, I could no longer go up and down stairs, so I was transferred to our high school where the 2 students with Autism were becoming Freshman.  Not only were they facing a new school, new teachers, new building, but now a new person whom would be working with them one-on-one who had absolutely no training whatsoever.  These 2 young men's families were told that they would never graduate because they would never be able to have enough credits, but they could still go through the ceremony with their class. 

After meeting them and working with them a couple of weeks, (which need I say, was quite difficult) I realized I had my work cut out for me the next 4 years.  It would be a lot of trial and error to see what exactly would work and how to reach them.  I loved a challenge, and this was probably going to be one of my most challenging experiences of my life. One student was higher functioning and the other was lower functioning - who couldn't really read, write, comprehend, would have extreme meltdowns if you corrected him, or erased his paper, etc... I came to the realization that although many books have been written that students with Autism need consistency and sameness – however…the “real” world isn’t that way, therefore, I didn’t follow this rule.  No two days were ever the same and the boys adapted extremely well.  I truly believe that this is how they have gotten to be where they are today.

By the time graduation rolled around, not only were they both going to graduate and receive their diplomas - but the higher functioning young man received his Varsity letter for his Academics and was like 36th in his class (He did the work - not me) and the other graduated 76th and not only could he read, but he could comprehend, spell, do his math without a calculator, write in full, understandable sentences, etc... It was probably one of the most rewarding 4 years of my life.  Both young men, continue to hold down part-time jobs.

My employer recommended that I apply for disability retirement after the young men graduated,  due to having had knee surgery and because of my MS, was not healing quickly.  It was approved within 3 months which was extremely bittersweet. Although I can no longer play the piano, which has always been my passion, I stay extremely busy.  I have taught myself how to make jewelry, wallpaper, remodel my historical home, landscape, lay flooring in my home, etc...

I've been writing poetry ever since I was in the military (right out of high school).  I found it to be extremely therapeutic and rewarding and it is my dream to have my book of poems published some day.  I have them posted on PoetrySoup (kzak4151) I'm a hard worker, and to look at me, you would never know that I suffer from MS, but I try really hard to stay positive and not let it run my life.  I figure where there is a will - there is a definite way.  Just remember - there is always someone out there that has it a lot worse than you do and you can do anything you put your mind to.

A few samples of my poetry - please don't hesitate to offer any advice / comments!

The Unknown written by KZ

I’m sitting and waiting, to meet with my doc,

The time passes slowly, while watching the clock.

I have a disease, and some days aren’t the best,

I swear some ones putting, me through my life’s test.

Won’t know how I’ll feel, until I awake,

Will I act like myself or more like a flake?

My thinking and talking, sometimes they both lag,

I will go to the store, and forget a bag.

That darn short term memory, is the worst of all

I try handling the rest, even when I fall.

I have to write notes, though they seem like a book

I must write down a note, to make sure I look.

Sometimes I forget things, important ones too,

Like blowing out candles, or know what to do.

The kids say they’ve asked me, remembering… not!

But they are so happy, for what they just got.

There’s good days and bad days, I just never know

Will my eyes go wacky, or stub my big toe?

I must always laugh, or I’d sit and I’d cry

Oops, I burnt our dinner, but gave it a try.

The doorways seem smaller, like when I pass by

I hit the walls, with my knees or thigh.

I don’t want your pity, or sit all day long

I always keep active, it helps me stay strong.

I’ll trip over nothing, I laugh when I do

I hate when that happens, my foot sticks like glue.

This disease has no cure, they call it MS

Hopefully they’ll find, what causes this BS.

Living with MS (Acrostic)written by K Z

Many people don’t

Understand all the

Limitations we face.

These affect each

Individual differently yet

People continue to

Laugh when we

Experience “MS Moments”

Some moments like:

Cognitive and memory

Loss along with

Extreme fatigue can

Ruin plans with

Others because even

Stress can make

Individuals with MS

Suffer a relapse

Time to go…in loving memory of my mother written by K. Zakerski

My mom was a strong woman, and stubborn too,

Yet she had a soft side, between me and you.

That side she would show, when you least expected,

But let me tell you, she was well respected.

Mom was quite unique, and was one of a kind,

She was set in her ways, so keep that in mind.

The youngest of nine, she had gotten her way,

Spoiled by her siblings’, almost every day.

Right out of high school, she had married my dad,

Blessed with three children, plus fifty years they had.

They both were hard workers, in all that they did,

My dad taught himself, from when he was a kid.

My mom was a smoker, for forty-six years,

Some day it would happen, she’d face all her fears.

Lung cancer she had, and inoperable too,

Her time on this earth, would be shortened we knew.

Radiation and Chemo, had done their thing,

Remission set in, tears of joy it did bring.

We would go out at night, to shop and to talk,

I knew she enjoyed, getting out for a walk.

Two years had gone by, after Thanksgiving Day,

Her pain had returned, but was afraid to say.

She’d lie on the couch; it was strength she did lack,

We knew in our hearts, that the cancer came back.

We shared lots of laughter, but many a tear,

I tried to assure her, she’d nothing to fear.

“Please watch over your dad, this one thing I ask.”

“I know it will be, quite a difficult task.”

One morning in March, Hospice called us to say,

You may want to come, for she’s slipping away.

For the night before, mom told me to stay home,

“Be there for your kids, you can call me by phone.”

When we all arrived, for a moment she woke,

Her eyes said it all, not a word had she spoke.

We stayed by her bedside, just holding her hand,

“It’s time to let go mom, we all understand”.

A few days had passed, not ready to let go,

For it had been raining, but letting up slow.

The sun began shining, the clouds disappeared,

Opening the heavens, for mom’s time has neared.

We gathered together, her forehead we kissed,

Whispering so softly, how much she’d be missed.

“Your time has arrived mom, just follow the light”,

She left us so peaceful, she gave up her fight.

It was time to drive home, in the car we got,

Then something had happened, while leaving the lot.

Huge drops of rain falling, it had to be fate.

They were tears of joy; she was at heaven’s gate.

The Aging Process written by KZ

Many years ago, when we were all young,

We really thought life, would be so much fun.

While playing dress-up, trying on mom’s stuff,

Putting on make-up, we found to be tough.

Then came our schooling, and boy things would change,

“Those aren’t our parents”, when they acted strange.

Sometimes they were hip, but old-fashioned too,

That’s something I swore, I would never do.

Wishing you were older, adults had it made,

They would do nothing, yet still would be paid.

That is how little, we all had known,

We surely found out, once we were grown.

Loving the twenties, we’d go out with friends,

When we went shopping, we followed the trends.

Doing what we wanted, and staying out late,

It didn’t matter, what time we all ate.

Then came the thirties, and most of us wed,

Watch what you wish for, my parents had said.

We had to work hard, many bills to pay,

I guess they were right, what more can I say?

Raising your children, was hardest of all,

Needing some advice, your parent’s you’d call.

It seemed so easy, they needed no rest,

So now it’s your turn, you learned from the best.

The forties arrived, that was a shocker,

We’d spend lots of time, just at the doctor.

Back aches and headaches, so tired you’d be,

Trying not to cough, or else you would pee.

The fifties would come, and your grandkids too,

Where were your glasses? You hadn’t a clue.

You searched here and there, and under the bed,

“Hey grandma” they laughed, “They’re right on your head”.

Here come the sixties, now let’s have some fun,

You are retired; your work is all done.

To dinner with friends, you dressed and you wait,

They never show up, you have the wrong date.

Now the seventies, with friends playing games,

If only you could, remember their names.

You try hard to hide, those under-eye bags,

Gravity happens, and everything sags.

Enjoy every day, and have a good laugh,

All the steps you took, led down a new path.

Live life as it comes, each year a new page,

One thing is for sure, everyone will age.

Letting Go…written by KZ – featured for 2 weeks on PoetrySoup 

Their lives begin, that special day

Your hardest job, is on the way.

Walking and pacing, all night long

Knowing that one day, they’ll be strong.

Watching them crawl, then walk and run

Treasure each moment, share their fun.

They grow so fast, enjoy each day

For sometime soon, they’ll move away.

Years of school, sometimes they will drag

We’re filled with pride, we parents brag.

Teaching our kids, always be kind

Lasting friendships, many will find.

Do as I say, not as I do

We all have said, our parents too.

The truth comes out, don’t cheat or lie

Don’t try and skimp, to just get by.

Take the right path, we try to guide

Sometimes they don’t, we let it slide.

Knowing they must, find their own way

Life is tough, on track they must stay.

Bumps in the road, many will hit

We as parents, just have to sit.

Learn from mistakes, it takes its’ toll

Their independence, that’s our goal.

The hardest part, is yet to come

When high school years, are said and done.

We’ve done our jobs, as best we could

We must let go, or so we should.

Give them their wings, and let them fly

As we sit back, and often cry.

Turning the page, is hard to do

Wondering if, they listened to you.

Reach for the stars, follow your dreams

It takes time, forever it seems.

Your heart will break, can’t let it show

It’s so difficult, letting go.

al