I gained over 100 lbs 15 years ago with my first pregnancy due to toxemia.  I lost about 50 before and during my next pregnancy.  My son passed away at 2 months and I gained all the weight back and then some from eating and eating my way through depression.  I managed to lose about 40 lbs again and have had 2 more children. I grew up hearing I was a mistake, I was a failure. I still hear it.

I was diagnosed with a rare disease 3 years ago that causes strokes, on top of a more common blood clotting disorder.  I am 33.  I had a stroke 8 months ago.  I also have PCOS. I am 242 pounds.  I was 150 15 years ago.  I am scared that I am not going to be around to raise my youngest with the weight just adding to my disorder.  I'm not sure what my problem is.. I KNOW the motions, what to do, what to eat.... I just don't.  I end up freaking out about it and finding something to snack on.  After I ate my way through depression when my son passed away, I think that is how I just handle everything now. 

I am married to my middle school sweetheart...he is very supportive and has never made me feel bad about my weight gain... but part of me feels like I let him down. I was only 18 when I gained all my weight.  I need to mentally trick myself to actually listen to my brain.

I vow to learn to love myself... to learn how to grieve properly, to not second guess myself, to trust ME and to know I CAN do something for myself... and that that is ok.