My life was changed on 09/17/2004. At work I fell from a ladder and fractured my skull in 5 places and lacerated my brain.

Before that I loved working to climb that ladder of success to the top.

Hey all, "DATE WRITTEN: SOMETIME IN 2008"

My accident of falling off a ladder at work happened on 09/17/2004. I feel I've been through hell and back. I went through wanting to die, to punching walls and yelling at people, fighting with workmans comp. put me on the 5th floor mental ward, "many" months of mental therapy with a psychiatrist, group therepy, and one on one counciling also. I've also been through the med ringer. Some didn't work-some made my anger worse-one worked and then insurance wouldn't cover it, and now just dealing with what kinda works and insurance will cover.

I won my workman's comp case in December of 2005. I was awarded $150,000.00 and lawyer got $30,000.00 of that. I bought a 2002 Dodge Ram 1500, my girlfriend a 1995 Dodge Stratus, a 1976 Penn State Winnebago, a 1989 Honda RM250 dirtbike, 2 computer systems, a new push mower & gas grill, etc.

In June of '06 I began working with my landlord as an electrical contractor helper at $9.00/hr. In December of '06 I ran out of meds and thought aahhh I don't need them and slowly became violent. June of '07 I had a nervous breakdown, quit working, and girlfriend and I started seeking help again. I was almost out of money and things weren't looking good. In 1 1/2 years we had spent all my settlement and about $10,000.00 I had made working.

I had applied for disability before I even won my settlement; and by the time the court hearing was scheduled I had started working with my landlord. My lawyer said since I was making around $1,000.00/month that I might as well drop the case; because I was showing that I could work even though I kinda worked my hours and if I didn't feel like working I didn't. In June of '07 I had to reapply for disability. I had already been diagnosed with mood disorder on top of my tbi and in July I was diagnosed with bi polar. In November of '07 I was told I had won my disability case. I should receive my 1st check this week and also will receive back moneys from when I reapplied till now.

We moved to the mountains at the end of August '07. We bought this trailor in trailor park and is much more quiet and peaceful here. The trailor has 2 add ons and a porch with a roof. Our main source of heat is oil; but the add on kitchen has wood stove as there is no other heat source in there. I bought a chainsaw and I'm buying a used woodsplitter. I just had neighbor help me give the furnace a going over as it was acting up and seems to be ok now. My other neighbor gave me a large pavilion that sits out back. I had helped both of them previously with loading and unloading firewood and the other neighbor I helped do some wiring in his garage and phone wire in his house.

I'm glad to be living where people help each other without needing a hand out. I help you and you help me just the way it use to be and just what we need more of in this country.

My plans and goals for this year are to turn the pavilion into a wood shop as I had one before I left my ex. I plan on having a garden and having all my wood cut, split, and done before next winter. I need to redo the bathroom and also some other odds and ends that need done in this trailor. I'm 39 years old and may be slowed down due to this tbi; but I do not consider myself disabled and have no plans of sitting in no rocking chair. I still want to help other people and help myself earn a little extra money as disability is not enough to do many things. I also want to show other people that I'm not a quitter and in some ways I already do more that what some normal people do.

I never was much of a writer and was not a reader; but I have learned alot about the little things in life that do mean more than the big things. I try to live life like everyday may be my last as none of us knows when that day may be.

*DEC 8th 2009*

Well I got that pavillion enclosed now and now to start buying some woodworking tools so I can get to work. I built a 12' x 8' firewood shed connected to my house so I can walk out the kitchen door and into the shed and carry my "dry" firewood into the house. I also installed new hot and cold water lines into the house. I ran new main pipe into the house where I installed a whole house Culligan water filter, next a pressure pump to increase our water pressure from 11 psi to 55 psi, and then I installed an under the sink filter to insure we are drinking clean water.

I helped my neighbor change a transmission, an engine, fuel pump, and many other things. For my close family I've changed a radiator, tie rod ends, rotors, mufflers, brake drums n brakes, sway bar connectors, strut, timing belt, crankshaft censor, etc. etc. I also installed audio / video cams as living in this trailor park is somewhat of a joke so I did that to defend myself against false accusations and we supposedly have a speed limit (ya right) - I have the proof of all the nonsense anyway.

I can do all these things; but I can only work for short periods of time so thinking about a job is still out of the question. I cut and split (27 ton log splitter) my own firewood. I was ready to go deer hunting: but I haven't felt like going ugh.

JUNE 24TH 2010

MY OBSERVATIONS ABOUT MYSELF

My first 2 years '05 and '06 not much observing going on except I was mad at the world and didn't care if I lived or died and didn't care about hurting others if they acted like they didn't care what I was going through.

When I realized that this is my new life and that I had to start making changes I started paying attention to everything that affected me. I can not be around people that live for Drama and chaos - thus I do not have too many friends any longer. My thoughts are strong on fixing problems - meaning that if you don't stop agitating me I will make you stop one way or the other.

As far as the weather is concerned I love the winter and fall and spring are a close second; but I can tell when the humidity is up outside or the barometric pressure has changed. My injury is on the right / right front and I also have a titanium plate. I feel much more alive when the sun is up; but if the humidity or b. pressure is up then I feel the pressure on the right side of my skull. I can make myself deal with it; but I'm also bi-polar and have an adrenaline disorder and I become a mean S.O.B. to even be around. I'm not afraid to get verbal or physical with anybody. Mood stabilizers make me worse especially if I notice that they make me tired; because I become enraged over feeling tired when I know that I shouldn't be.

"Feb 10th 2011"

I started this job as a bus aide with a macho ego that - wow all I gotta do is help the kids in wheelchairs on and off the bus, help with the control of the children, and just be on the bus for a couple hours and get paid. Well a little over 3 weeks into the job and my macho ego has been ground into the dirt (where it belongs) and have taken a whole new perspective at the way I handle and look at this job. My heart has been melted by the children that I have come in contact with. I've already began thinking about the life they live. I feel very sorry for some of them as I can see that they come from homes in which the parents don't care as much as they should. It breaks my heart to see some of these children get off the bus and not have a loving parent there to make sure they get in the house safely. The bus sits and waits to make sure they do get in the door; but 02/10/11 I watched a child fall 3 times on the ice before getting to the house. The bus driver and I are not allowed to get off the bus. We are also on a strict time schedule and it drives me crazy. How am I suppose to turn these feelings off or turn them into something positive??? I already asked about it and got told that I'm not a councilor or a therapist and to just do what I can for them on the bus.

I have so much more that I want to say; but I don't know where to start or stop.

  Tuesday night (02/15/11) an 18 year old senior in a wheel chair past away. I got to meet him 3 or 4 times on the bus. His condition was caused by a vaccine or medication from when he was younger.The family was compensated monetarily; but that never brings things even close to normal ever again.He could only move his fingers and his head; but was the most independent kid I've ever met. He never wanted help and could park his electric wheel chair on a dime. He would ask me to rub his leg because it would get to hurting him. He missed a little school because he also had to deal with seizures. My heart goes out to him and his family just 3 months before graduation. R.I.P. Shawn and God be with your family, friends, and those that cared for you.

"April 13th 2011"

I'm trying to become a school bus driver. I got my 4 permits and had 20 hours of class time. Now I need to take my tests and have 6 hours of driving time.

My T.B.I. will not stop me from doing or trying to do the things that I know that I can do.

P.S. "NEVER GIVE UP!!!"