Denise, I just want to say that I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now.  I believe you need to find a new Dr.  You probably should try a new medication.  I also think you would benefit from speaking to someone  If you don't have any insurance, you need to find another outlet.  Start journaling, keep blogging, for sure, and maybe find a friend you can talk to.  I started taking anti depressants when my husband left me.  If I'd taken them sooner, he might not have left.  Who knows?  You need help.  You are reaching out.  We are here.  Nanag has shingles.  Look up her blogs.  Just go to people and put in her name and it will come up for you.  Good luck.  Bobbie

Denise, you don't have to be strong every day.  It's ok to throw yourself down and cry.  I know I do.  I need to. Sometimes I feel the only place for me to go is the floor or a dark corner.  I just saw a little light in your blog and wanted tell you that I applaud your efforts to try and make yourself better.  I truely hope you find a good doctor and some peace in your soul.  Diana 

hi there...i just read your profiel and it touched me because i also live with depression well i am bipolar but depression is a part of it ...im sorry that your not getting the care that you think you desvere....you shoudl try adn find a doc adn a therpist that you can work with i am only syaing this because that is what worked for me...there were many dark days for me not getting out of bed skipping activites adn going to bed early rather then spend time with my kids...you also said that you had people that depend on you and those are your husband and kids...but let me just throw this out there...if your not healthy then they arent ...what i mean is yes you have a lot going on but you need to take time for you sounds like you did in the pool but more of that it is so easy to ge lost in others and forgot about ourselves but it will come back and bite us in the butt one day that is what i learned from it...if you ever want to talk im her

bobbie

well to wind dancer , i live out in the country so no one can see me out there , and gaining control of my health isnt a choice if i dont i'll be just like ruby and dying isnt an option my kids still need me and the meds i was on where making me suicidal and between the pain and the depression i was loosing it i havent survived what i have to allow some stupid virus take over just because i dont have the finances for proper medical treatment and i cant leave teaching my kids if its to hard just quit , i'm not always strong i have my moments where i fall on the ground and cry my eyes out and it wouldnt bother me if i passed and thats when i reach out and when i find no one out there to grab my hand , one day 'll get to see my son but right now the ones who are here need me who'd going to push them when they are down and needing a hand if i have no one they have to have me . my life has been one struggle after the other and if i didnt push myself to go one i wouldnt be here now , yes i do have a wild and crazy side and being a mom and a wife i let that side sit out on the side lines but through this illness the pain the itching and the yoyoing because of the meds , today was ok i was sore til dave walked up behind me and scared me felt like i stuck my finger in the light socket turns out i'm breaking out again but i'm not hurting as bad as i did last time guess letting my hair down is helping and i'm praying it clears up in time for our little get together with my old hs buddies , we'll see cabin fever didnt help but we'll see wher this ventur goes

Two things stuck out to me when I read your blog; you want to get to the root of the problem instead of masking it and you have the ability to set yourself temporarily free from the daily struggles by imagining yourself elsewhere like dancing or thinking of dancing in the rain.  I admire that and applaud that. I think you should dance! You're very descriptive and I did picture you dancing in the rain.   Spontanaety is a wonderful thing.  Wanting to gain control of your health is admirable.  So the neighbor's may see you dancing in the rain, who cares. I say dance.  I hope you find a Dr. that's not all about meds.  My best to you.