For as far back as I can remember, maybe 4th grade, I thought I was FAT- but now when I look back at the pictures, I wasn't. It all seemed to happen rather quickly though, the weight. I was 21, just had my son in September and I looked really good for just having a baby. I was about a size 12/14 and then I started the depo shot, and sprung to a size 20 by February. My DR told me it was my elbow problem, that some may gain some weight on the shot, but mine was just that I wouldn't put the fork down. It just crushed me, a little over a year later we were in a car accident and I hurt my back and had another child, the weight has poured on since, and yes I can say now that it's the elbow problem. Sadly, I'm now a size 24 and I don't even want to know what I weigh.

So, what does someone like me do about it? My doctor tells me all the time I need gastric bypass, that it would help me in all apects with both possible upcoming health problems and with my back problem. For the back, there is surgery, but with my size they say it's risky because "big" people do not heal as well. Now with the cost of surgeries and health care, even with insurance, it is all to expensive to do a lot about it. I try to swim when I can, as the DR's have said it's low impact and works everything, but I can't live in a pool of water. I've done the whole prescription diets, Slim Fast, Xynadrin with ephedra, really watching what I ate, eliminating sodas, adding this or taking away that - I guess to sum it up, I always give up. I never can seem to have anything show me that I'm doing well, some gave me energy but I mostly lost water weight. All I know is that when I look in the mirror now, I don't know the stranger standing there. It's affected my life in so many ways. People seem to have a bad perception of people like me, because we're FAT. It's not something I asked for, it wasn't something I stood in line at the store and said, "fat please". I don't sit and hide twinkies in my cabinet, or have buckets of ice cream in the freezer. I don't snack on chips or binge eat. And we seldom eat fried food, unless we eat out which is not a lot. I think too many people look at people like me and think PIG, and I'm far from that. I've always thought that I didn't let my being fat define who I was, I've always been me ... but in all honesty, when you look in the mirror and don't see yourself anymore. Who or what is there to say? I'll try harder this time, I'm sorry for letting myself leave.. I'm ready to find that woman I used to know, she's hiding somewhere beneath my layers.

It's time to find her! :o)