Hello Everyone,

My name is Jeanna Bowen.  I have worked my most of my life since I was 13 years old until last September when I was forced to retire due to physical illness.  I have a rare severe asthmatic reaction to mold and it causes my lungs to close almost completely.  I was forced to retire and get a lot of rest.  Recently I was hospitalized with a severe reaction and had to be put on oxygen and steroids to reopen my lungs. 

 I feel guilty because I can't work and help my husband anymore.  We thought we had bought our dream home and invested all of our savings into the home and paid $800 a month for 2 years before finding out that the people we thought we were buying it from had files bankruptcy before we signed the papers to buy the house.  The house was a modular home and was reposed,  Luckily, we knew the people who owned the land and were able to buy it from them.  We rented a house close to where I had worked and left our land, hoping that one day we could move back.

In the mean time some of our children had some problems and we used all of the money that we had saved to help them.  We are still trying but I feel like a failure because my husband had always taken care of me and him financially and I had taken care of our kids financially.  Losing my income has definitely opened his eyes to what I have been doing for us.

We are a typical "Brady Bunch" family.  In fact, most people who know us call us the"Bowen Bunch".  When my husband and I got married I was a widow with 3 small boys.  He was divorced and had a daughter and a son living with him.  It took a lot of work but we made our family our first priority.  I tried to be friends with everyone involved to make sure that none of the children were hurt or felt left out.  In my eyes they are all equally our children.  I befriended our daughter and oldest son's natural mother and made sure that she was taken care of the best that I could.  When she became ill, I tried to take care of her even to the end.

Now we have 10 grandchildren and i love them with all of my heart.  They are another reasons that I feel guilty.  When the older ones were born I was able to play with them and take them on trips and enjoy them as much as I had enjoyed being a mama.  I feel like the little ones are missing out because I can't do as much with them.  I try but I can't be outside in the heat long unless I am in the pool.  I still try to do the best that I can but for the first time in my life I have to ask for my daughter and sons to help me when we get together. 

I feel like I have let myself and my family down because I thought I would always be strong enough to take care of us.  Now I can hardly breathe without being in our room that has an air purifier in it that helps me.  My children want to ask"Extreme Makeover: Home Addition" to build us a house on our land that I can breathe in and fix a place outside where I can play with the family again.  I don't think that we deserve it.  I see all of these people on these shows and I want to help them.  When I worked, I always helped with every thing that we did for the community.  I gave blood, worked with college students who need extra help, asked kids who didn't have a family to go home to for the holidays to come and spend them with us. 

I used to feel alive and like I served a purpose, now I feel like I am just taking up space.  I hate it when I get sick and have to ask for help.  I try not to and wind up hurting myself more.  I don't want to be a burden on anyone.  I was put here to help.  If you have any suggestions for ways that I can do something for others from home please let me know.  I don't have any money anymore but I still have my mind and could talk to people over the Internet if they needed someone to talk to.