How awful is that. I've had this since I was little, but it went undiagnosed and was never addressed. When I was old enough to figure it out myself and try to get help, I was isolated by my family so I couldn't. Now it's not only affecting me emotionally, but physically, and I have no clue how to deal with it.
Looking at my life timeline and especially my life the past few years, there has literally been no break to the Trauma and the stress and depression that comes with it. Everyday, though I try to look forward and move forward, even more bad things happen. Literally daily. Now I have a slipped disc in my back that isn't getting fixed, it's hard to get around, I'm so emotionally bankrupt myself I have nothing to offer my little one, and the news coming from my family is no good, either. I keep suffering of relentless dreams and flashbacks that leave me more tired than when I went to sleep.
Even just recently I found out one of the people dearest to me is dying. That is just something I feel I cannot take, not now. I feel so torn. I was finally getting out of the abusive family when I got engaged and moved, and then the pregnancy happened when it should not have, the doctors did not catch it when they should have, or help me when they should have even when I said something's so wrong. I had the most wonderful relationship with my fiancé, being best friends for years and all those years, those moments kept me going. I decided to see a therapist of my own free will, and a psychologist and doctor, to try and fix things.
My doctor and psychologist have been such asses to me, I've plummetted. I'm even worse now than I was without therapy. They're so ruthless and only say negative things about me, and send me a blaming letter if I cancel an appointment for whatever reason.
The post traumatic stress, the flashbacks, and the depression are at their all-time worst. I'm lonely, I rarely have anyone to talk to. I feel terrible for my fiancé. I know he wants to help, and he tries in everyway he possibly can, but I know he doesn't understand PTSD, and how there's some things I just cannot cope with, some things I just cannot hear or mentally I just break and crumble. I just feel awful, I feel so cheated that this has been sapping the life out of me to the point where I've never even felt I deserved to smile, even now. I feel so disconnected and distanced because I cannot make people understand.
What do I do and where do I go from here? I'm so tired of my relationship, my quality of life suffering. I still have the love and support from my fiancé, but it feels different since I'm so insecure about myself. Even if he tells and shows me that he's so happy, I just can't get it through my head that he is. When I had an appointment with another psychologist, she said that links and connections have been made in my brain that are really hard to break, and never should have been made in the first place.
I need to hear that someone else got through this somehow. I need to know that it gets better. People can relate to your weaknesses better than your strengths. I'm far from borderline, but I'm so tired and sometimes just feel like giving up on myself and completely emotionally distancing my emotions because it feels like a pressure that's building and building with no release. I feel stupid for writing this, but I wrote it anyway. It gives me a sense of peace if I know other people are doing ok.
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Hi
my name is Heather. You might agree and you might not (if I'm thinking it's depression your
talking about) but you have to think possitive! I know what your going through. My mom
dided from MS and when that happened I went down hill. Since her death I have sezuires.
I didn't have then before. But also come to find out my Dr. put dye in my head and found
out that I have a small hole in my head. Also between the stress of my kids is enough.
It's a never ending situation everday. But I try to look on the bright side as much as
possible. I'll try to go and curl up and read a book(Slyvia Browne). Then of course
working in retail is also a ringer. I try to laugh as much as I can there!! If not I know
I'd probably get fired. Just keep your head up and keep happy thought!!!
I have a disease similar to M.S. Before that diagnosis, I spent years in psycho-therapy, hoping for a quick fix, for some unknown disease. those doctors weren't nice to me at all. Don't feel bad, we all go through depression. When I was on the job I had a lot of fun. Those doctors told me to forget that! Of all the nerve! I knew I couldn't do that kind of work anymore, they didn't have to rub it in! I haven't worked since early 1982. I finally got a diagnosis of M.S. then changed neurologists. This doctor changed diagnosis. The neurologist says its diabetic neuropaty, the urologist, and internalist both agree it's M.S. they've heard me try to talk when I've been very tired. Diabetic Neuropathy doesn't do that. The neurologist is treating me symptomatically, a big help. I wish I could help you with the flashbacks, but don't know how. I'd like to be your friend. Kathy
Hi Kathy. It's nice to meet you. Before I go any further I'd like to say "BE STRONG AND BEAT MS!)
Well of course I do think about her all the time but there was this one time though. I don't know
if you believe in this or not but my husband and kids were asleep and I got up for some reason
I swear I heard someone say my name but it was coming from the top corner of the bedroom by
the closet. I believe in all of my heart that it was my mom letting me know she was with me.
I hate that she is gone but I'm glad that she's not suffering anymore. Thats why I say you
need to fight with all you have and beat this. I hope we can become friends to.
Heather
Hi Heather, I think I have it figured out, the way it's afftecting me. I have down days, no other responsibilities, except the birds, so I stay down. I make it a point to ride on Wednesdays, I regained some use of my legs thanks to the program and God. when I give in to it ASAP, I'm not down for long. I'm going to destroy the Diabetes too. I've been on a meal plan since April and lost 50 extra lbs. I have another 35 or 40 to go, surprising the doctor big time! Had to discontinue blood pressure medicine, mine's too low. I'm reducing the dependence on insulin. I was taking 85 units a day, now I'm taking 25 units in the morning, but watching my blood sugars 3 or 4 x a day. when the sugars stabliize at 95 I can go down another 5 units. The neurolgist is helping with Severe Leg Cramps at night. I ride the next 2 Wednesdays, then off for 2 weeks for the Holidays.Then back to riding again the 1st Wednesday in January. Take care. Kathy
Hi Kathy
It sounds like the riding is working out for you. Regaining some use of your legs is really good.
I wish I could lose weight like that. The only excuse I have is being lazy! I bought some cd's
that only take 10 mins at a time and I've only used them 3 times. I don't like to work out in
front of anyone. I think I'm being laughed at. If my kids or husband are home I won't
work out. Of course there's other excuses too. I need to lose 40 lbs to get where I want to
be and I'll be happy. Well, hopefully getting off alot of the meds will help out. It sounds
like it has made you alot healthier which is really good!
Well, I need to get going. Hopefully I'll talk to you tomarrow.
Heather
Yeah I know how you feel. Let's just say that my life has been a total emotional and mental rollercoaster, my whole entire life.Yeah it's really tough and hard trying to deal with PTSD and Major Depression. Sometimes I feel that dying would be better, so I don't have to deal with the constant reminders of the flashbacks and such. It's so hard when you have a family who loves you and you don't want to hurt them so therefore you try to do all you can to hide all of it from them. It does however start to get better, but unfortunately everything becomes worse before it can get better. You learn to cope with the PTSD and Depression and you also learn to flip your emotions and think optimistically instead of being pessimistic. Are you in individual counseling? I'm just asking because thats how I learn to cope and manage through counseling. Whoever you see you can choose to either see them once a week or more. It's all up to you. They are however a great support system when your dealing with these problems. I hope that I helped you a little bit. Chin up it will get better eventually.
You know when it rains, it pours... I haven't quite figured out which comes first, the reaction to the first incident or the avalanche of incidents that follow. I'm pretty sure that somewhere in there the depression clouds my views of things that are going on, and makes it feel as though nothing has ever gone right in my whole life.
The key in my own mind is keeping a gratitude journal. Writing down when good things happen, to remind me that good things DO happen! Whether it's just a really nice sunny day, or I found a penny on the sidewalk, or a cute guy smiled at me, or the dog did something funny, I write it down and I relive it until I smile openly. Really soaking myself in the good things that are going on helps keep the bad things in perspective.
I've definitely had my share of bad doctors/counsellors etc... the key there is to keep trying! Don't shut up just because they don't want to hear it. Tell your story until someone listens, even if you just do it on here until you find a professional that will actually be of some help for you. I'm not familiar with the ins and outs of PTSD although I've been told that it's a possible diagnosis for me if they chose to dig deeper into things. I've just had such a rough time of it, I think they wanted to just have me handle what I could at the time. Nonetheless, educate yourself about your condition(s), do your own research and reach out to unconventional places (outreach programs and priests or pastors are always good).
Hang on tight to the good things in your life, and keep fighting!!! I wish you all the best!
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