I have been very active in my health care since I was a teenager. Every pill I've been prescribed I read as much as I can about it before taking it. I pay attention to side effects and interactions. I kept track of everything I could understand. I was diagnosed with depression around 8th grade. And then i realized how important it was for me to pay attention to my pills. Depression is something that runs in the family and I was unfortunate enough to get hit with that stick at an early age.
I tried many different pills, trying to find the right one for me, and the closest I could get to feeling human without feelings side effects too hard was Celexa, but even then, the side effects were insane.
I was getting along jus fine, and had a very wonderful relationship by the time i graduated. We moved in together and soon i found out the happiest news of my life. I was pregnant with my first child. The father and I couldn't have been happier, and had told my parents, who took the news pretty well. They saw I was happy for the first time in a long time and knew I could do it, along with my significant other.
None of us were prepared for the worst. I had a stressful day, and his brother was getting married. Its really hectic in my mind so I'll try to make sense. I went to work jus fine and had the worst day ever. Complete stress but i stayed as positive as i could. As soon as my shift was over, i ran outside to head to the wedding and my tire was flat. I nearly cried. I had a spare but couldn't get the lug nuts off. Thinking i wouldn't make it, which would have been horrible in his family's eyes, i called my father, letting him know. Luckily, a very nice mother and daughter saw my distress and tried to help me out by removing the tire. No one could.
She asked me where i was going and i explained i had a wedding to go to. She offered to take me even though it was so far away in the opposite direction for her. I had no money to give her, but i thanked her many many times. I finally got to the wedding and I was feeling less stressed, but still insanely stressed. His family was hard to impress but i apparently did well.
The wedding was beautiful and wonderful and i saw my sig other at the reception and was able to talk to him. He was happy i was there. In the middle of the reception, i started having pains. I was almost 3 months along, and went to the bathroom, thinking it was something else. Instead. I saw blood. I instantly started crying. I think i called my mother at this point and she told me to not worry but its hard for me to remember exactly. I kept going back to the bathroom to clean up and compose myself. He noticed and when he could get away, he asked me what was happening. I told him the devastating news and he wanted to help, but there really is nothing you can do during a miscarriage. He teared up and held me while i cried, then we both composed. He went back and i went outside and called my mother again.
She explained to me later on that that was the hardest phone call she had ever had to hear. I was devasted and she was across the state. There was nothing she could do. She tried to comfort me and did wonderful, but I had loved it already. And i didn't understand how or why but i did. That night broke my heart, and later, my mind.
We got home and he held me while i cried, sleeping fitfully. I called my boss and told him what happened, as we were also friends, and he said he wished he could give me a week but i was needed at work. We were short staffed. So i tried. But when you work at a place that's designed for moms, its hard. I saw babies everywhere and went home and cried every night.
We went and did the ultrasound confirmation and that was the final straw. It killed me to see an empty screen and i started crying on the table again, this time, knowing in finality that the baby i had learned to love was gone. After about a week after the miscarriage, i was sitting up at about 3 in the morning, waiting for him to get off work when i noticed an hour went by and i had been talking the whole time to myself. I was questioning my own reality. It freaked me out and i walked to where he worked. I dont remember doing so, i jus remember getting there and the look on his face killed me.
I told him what happened and that i needed to get help. I dont remember if i started self harming again or not. He asked if i was willing to go to the psych ward and i said that that was where i wanted to go. On his lunch break, he took me and i dont remember much except that he had to leave. I hugged him, told him i loved him and was sorry. I stayed there for a bit, maybe about a week. Its all kinda fuzzy.
I got my diagnosis of anxiety, PTSD, and disassociation at this time. 18 and already mentally unstable to the point of not really knowing reality? I felt ashamed. He came to see me alot, along with my mom and dad. They loved me and didn't feel ashamed of me, but i did. I couldn't handle what many woman go through, some statistics saying 20% of pregnancies ending in miscarriage. When i got out, i was different. My dreams we so much more vivid. I believed they happened when i woke up, sometimes for only ten minutes, sometimes for three hours. I was unstable and trying to stay in a shell so i didn't hurt anyone i loved. I instantly moved back into my parents house and he came with me. It helped alot having him there, but it was too far for him to drive and he ended up moving to his brothers house, and soon after, leaving me.
I lost everything, or so i had thought. I was worse than before and soon dumped myself into another relationship to try to ease the pain. It worked and i am currently seeing hmm again. My way of thinking, speaking, interacting however, has completely changed. Some for the better, others for the worse.
Now, im back to trying to get help in understanding my own mind and getting better, but now with the need to help others with mental issues.